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Great detail eh, alright

Woke up at 6.30 and jumped outta bed, because my boyfriend was having a lie in and I normally set two alarms, fifteen minutes apart, one so I can wake up and prepare for exiting the bed and a second to actually get outta bed/check facebook. Got in the shower, used some delicious Soap & Glory shampoo and a TresEmme hair masque, washed my face with a peach cleanser (how American Psycho is this?) and brushed my teeth with Lush toothy tabs. Showered in silence so the music didn’t disturb bf through the walls.

Went into the bedroom, got dry, got dressed, went into the lounge to get ready so I didn’t disturb him (he got up at 5am the past five days and again tomorrow so I was trying to be as nice as possible for once). Spritzed with toner and then began the makeup. Dabbed on a bit of foundation on a couple areas, brushed powder across my face, filled my brows in with brow shadow, drew a skillful skinny line of jet black liquid eyeliner around my eyes (with pencil on the waterline), applied glue to false eyelashes, curled my own eyelashes and applied a couple coats of black mascara (with a fat fuzzy brush to separate the lashes). Stuck on the falsies (only just started wearing them recently and oh god, I love them so much I can already feel it becoming another expensive and daily obsession). Applied blusher, blow dried my hair, straightened it and then artfully messed it up with some hairspray I got free from a girl at work whose partner gets it for free. I did all this to the soundtrack of Dream Theater’s new album, A Dramatic Turn of Events.

Went into the kitchen, necked a pregabalin, an amitryptaline, a few laxatives (my medication really er, makes those necessary) and a couple headache tablets, had a bowl of four weetabix with brown sugar and soya milk, chucked on a Dream Theater hoodie over my uniform and got my shit together, went out to the car. Put on aforementioned Dream Theater CD, drove to work 30 minutes away listening to the guitar solos from Breaking All Illusions and wishing that my mum was still alive to hear them (she wouldn’t have necessarily liked it but I know she’d have listened and appreciated what it was saying to me).

Parked up down this side street unsure as to whether I was blocking someone’s car from leaving their drive but deciding it wasn’t a dropped kerb so fuck it, walked into where the branch is, I was on the enquiries desk so I got to sit and answer general customer queries rather than cashier, which is pretty good. A huge box of assorted Montezuma chocolates arrived as for some reason we get this budget to blow on chocolate and last time it all went on Thorntons so I made a half joking fuss about how I was being discriminated against as a vegan, so this time when one of the boxes was dark chocolate with coffee, the manager just told me to ‘look after it’ lol. The day went fast, I finished at 1.15 and walked through the Saturday market in the blazing sunshine wearing my huge thick black hoodie to a nail salon where I’d previously booked an appointment. I settled down and got an acrylic French manicure, which I get every three weeks (I’m obsessed with having awesome nails and it was taking so much time doing them myself I started going to a salon which is ace, I only need to go every few weeks and inbetween I need to do literally NOTHING to upkeep them except for a few drops of lemon cuticle oil when I remember on an evening before bed, I love it. £43 a month, however).

I walked back to the car through Tesco, picked up some babycorn, sugarsnap peas and tenderstem broccoli and a 2l bottle of tesco diet coke (the NICEST diet coke I’ve ever had). Walked back to the car and caved into the first cigarette of the day. I often think hmm, probably shouldn’t be smoking for so many reasons, but then kinda think fuck it she’s only been dead 9 months and spark up anyway. I smoke partly because I like it to an extent, partially because I’ve always coped through self destruction and mostly because it helps me to deal with things, when I’m feeling sad or missing her I find it helps to just go away on my own for five minutes, have a cigarette, think my thoughts and listen to some deeply emotional music. So I drove home in the amazing but too-hot weather, smoking and blasting Dream Theater. Nearly got hit by this twat in a car down a street near my house, I was in the bus lane (legitimately, at that time of day) and they were to my right, they started to drift fast into the lane without even checking or indicating so I had to slam the brakes on, sound the horn and scream at them ‘WHAT THE FUCK?!’ before I continue. I got home, extremely hot and sweaty, to find a letter from my University (the one in my city, which I graduated from last year) accepting me onto their Counselling Skills course, starting in three weeks and lasting until next June or something, this will qualify me to be employed by the charity in prison I volunteer for, enable me to actually practice as a real counsellor and charge real counsellor prices (not that I’m greedy, I do similar stuff for free through The Samaritans but any career options are good in these times) and make me far more employable in the fields I ultimately want to work in (addiction counselling). I changed into PJs, necked some more painkillers and got on the bed with my bf to watch the final few episodes of Underbelly, this awesome Australian gangster series that is kinda like The Sopranos but based on real events in Melbourne between 1995-2004. We finished it off, then I laid on the bed reading The Guardian on my iPhone while bf cooked tea, Singapore noodle curry with fried tofu, yum. Then I started writing this, wondering the entire time why on earth I was doing it. Now we’re off to Tesco for junk food before a film and tomorrow I get to see my beautiful incredible little nephew for the first time in over a week, as he’s been on holiday, I can’t wait. That’s all!

Was just a quick peck on the lips while Underbelly was on before continuing to watch it. The one before that, however, was a rather amazing one in the kitchen, ahhh his lips <3

Right now I’m loving Dream Theater - Breaking All Illusions and Symphony X - Iconoclast the mostest.

There isn’t anybody in particular, I dislike the human species for the way we treat other species but I don’t hate anybody in particular, why carry all that crap around with you? Sure bad stuff has happened but there are way too many amazing people in my life to invest emotion on people who’ve wronged me.

at this Sims proposal/reality forever alone photo on Alana’s tumblr, no idea how to repost it but it was amusing. I love that game… I like to create as much drama as possible (extra-marital lovechildren, divorcing and then remarrying someone else in the family, forcing bitter ex spouses to live together with one of the spouse’s new partners and their children, some guy who goes around impregnating his friends and refusing to put something on the end of it, seeing how long a Sim can go cheating on their spouse before being caught and then confessing to it all etc.). It makes the game way more fun. The new midlife crises in Generations are awesome when they happen, I try fulfill wishes as much as possible but it’s genuinely sad to break up a couple that have been childhood sweethearts and had an amazing relationship right up until one of them rolls the divorce want lol.

The other day a Sim threw a party, and a few Sims were outside watching one play guitar when suddenly they all started pointing up at the air and screaming, and a giant meteor zoomed outta the sky, hit the ground… all was still and then BOOM, fire, debris everywhere and three deaths, one of my favourite ones got killed days after having her second kid, leaving her multimillionaire surgeon husband with two children, he rolled the want to flirt with the next available female Sim the very next day so I followed it through and he remarried while his kids were still grieving lol… love it.

if I think about it too much, the thought of going to work at my job actually scares me. I like the people, I don’t mind the job and overall it’s a nice place to work but actually having to sit and speak to people all day long is just a nightmare sometimes, I’m anti-social enough at the best of times and not what you’d call a people person and it’s even worse when I feel pretty shit about myself and life. I think I’d rather have an office job with minimal human contact where I just sat and did things at a desk :(

Ooh where to start! Surviving with chronic pelvic pain, it’s a struggle most days and I’m scared about the future because I don’t know how long it’s gonna last, there’s no help tangibly in sight and I’m worried about what it could mean for my ability to have kids, have a career etc. but I’ve battled with it for six years and I’m still here whereas most people would probably have quit by now (I’ve had plenty of thoughts about how bad it would have to get before I ended it and suffice to say I’ve not hit that point so far).

Staying strong and (mostly) positive while my mum was drinking herself to death. I had a bit of a blip towards the end where I was exhausted and couldn’t face the daily hospital visits ontop of daily life and was getting seriously disillusioned with talking to someone in denial but on the whole I’d like to think I did everything I could and I was there for her and she knew she was loved and not judged. It’s an achievement to be the kind of person who can see that happen and not get angry or resentful or immature about it… 8 months have passed since she died and it has been horrendously difficult, but I’ve coped and I’m still functioning and going about my daily life so I guess that’s classed as a success. Reading her eulogy at the funeral was one of the most important things I’ve done so far in life, looking back.

Finally, academic achievements.. Getting a 2.1 degree at uni while dealing with a sick mother and a sick me, ended up pulling it outta the bag at the last minute and doing really well, I got a first in my dissertation about progressive metal which was amazing, and I got a first in my animals in philosophy free elective module all about the philosophy of animal rights. The tutor for that class said I could take it but don’t expect to do brilliantly as I’m not a philosophy student, and I ended up getting the best grade in the class. I knew I had it in me and now everyone else knows it too :P

Where it’s hard to stop crying long enough to get eyeliner on for work. I wake up nearly every day with this horrible heavy weight on my chest, I see her every time I close my eyes, whenever I go to bed all I can think about is seeing my brother break down and cry and watching nurses make my mum comfortable so she could die, and I wonder over n over whether she was aware that she was dying and what she was aware of, whether she heard the stuff I said to her as she lay dying, whether I should have been less honest when she asked how sick she was and I think about how scared she was when she first went into HDU and we had to pin her arms down to stop her from ripping the oxygen mask off, I feel really bad that she saw me doing that cos if I know her, she’d feel the same as I would in that position and be really annoyed that other people were stopping me from making my own decisions about what I wanted. Food for thought I guess. It really is true for me at least that the grief hits you months after the death when you seem to function fine right after it. I feel at odds everywhere, at work I can’t be fucked making polite chitchat n trying to get sales with customers but I can’t let it come across I’m not happy or I’ll get negative reviews on the sales calls. At home when I’m off I only feel a bit better; at first it’s a relief to not have to put on a happy face, but after a few days it does a real number on my head and I start needing to do stuff or I go mad with thinking. I don’t even know how I really truly feel or whether this is just the surface speaking cos I don’t know what I would feel like without all these drugs (anti-depressants and mega physical-and-emotional numbing epilepsy meds, both for pain relief). I’m not the kinda person to drink or take drugs when I feel low (or any other time really, anymore) so I just stick with smoking and listening to music. I know this is a mega whinge…

So normal services have resumed and I went back to work aka my voluntary day at the prison today. Really productive day doing assessments, it’s pretty satisfying to be left to my own devices to just get on with it and always interesting to speak to people about their addiction and history. And I got some stuff sorted out meaning I’m only officially volunteering 1 day a week there, ontop of the 4 days paid at my actual job… leaving me with an adequate number of days to rest and recuperate, really got exhausting trying to pull off a six-day week, week after week. Now it’s GMT2010 and I’m seriously considering going to bed :)